Impressing the Folks
by Kanye Cullen
Summary: Edward's first attempt to impress Bella's dad. Things go wrong, but an ingenious plan saves the day.


Today was my big day, my chance to impress Bella's father and win my way into her family. I wanted to be there for christmas and birthdays. I wanted him to think of me as a son. And he had invited me over for a dinner. I couldn't wait to sink my fangs into some delicious home-grilled steak.

I had let Bella know to tell him about my garlic allergy. I had put on my sleekest shirt. I had dabbed on some nice cologne. I had looked up the sports results for the past month so I'd have something to talk about. Everything was going to go just right. Speeding down the lonely forest roads to her house in the setting sun, I could tell I was in the zone.

As I parked my car, he came down the front stairs to meet me. "Hello sir," I said, putting out my gloved hand for a shake. "Your fly is down, pal." he responded. First impression not so good, but I had a lot of chances to improvement. I tried to laugh it off, but my sense of humor was lost on the old man. "No, seriously." he added, coldly, refusing to acknowledge my outstretched hand.

I zipped up. That put a smile on his face. "Sorry, sir. I was in a bit of a rush." I lied, trying to salvage what was left of our first face to face meeting without Bella around. Where was she, anyway?

"Like hell you were" he replied, laughing. "You're forty-five minutes late."

I glanced down at my watch. Sure enough, it had stopped ticking some time ago. This was not going to be my night.

As he led me inside, things cooled down. There was Bella, sitting alone at the table, steaming mad at me for not being on time. Her anger melted away when she saw my face. My spirits soared, as well. Her beautiful gaze washed away the earlier embarrassment, and I knew things would be alright. At least until I sat down next to her and her face wrinkled up like a raisin. When her father went into the kitchen to grab the food, I whispered into her ear, "What's wrong, love?" I asked.

"What are you wearing?" her face wrinkled tighter in disgust, "It smells like death."

Oops. I had forgotten that stealing perfume from one of my 'brothers' was a horrible idea. Vampires have much different tastes when it comes to such things.

"Sorry, Bella. I was busy with.. other matters." I lied. I hoped me being a bad-ass vampire would make me seem cool enough for her to imagine me fighting off hordes of undead or something, and the response on her face seemed to indicate that my plan had worked. Even if I couldn't read her mind, I still knew all the right things to say. I am such a sly dog.

Her dad came back into the room, arms full with a plate full of amazing grilled steaks. They smelled delicious, and they looked it, too. My mouth watered. "I've been grilling for twenty-five years, and I must say, these are the best steaks I've ever produced."

"It shows, sir. They smell delicious." I grinned. His face beamed. This was going to go all right after all.

And so he sat down and we ate. The steak was delicious. With spices rubbed in before cooking, it needed no salt. The fat was just right, too. I didn't need my vampiric strength to cut it with a butter knife, and the dinner conversation was going even better. He mentioned last night's game, and I jumped in. I had stopped caring about sports fifty years ago, but that didn't matter, I knew the game and I knew what to say. An hour later, I had him inviting me to call him by his first name. Bella was obviously impressed that we were getting along so well. I was proud to impress her so.

"That was good steak. The secret m'boy? Garlic. I rub it in deep before it goes on the grill."

"DAD!" Bella screamed, "You know he's allergic!" She stood up and ran to her room. My first instinct was to leap up and follow her. My second, and much more powerful instinct was to leap up and run to the bathroom. I followed my second instinct.

I shut and locked the door, threw my pants to the ground and sat on the john without even putting the seat down. The flow of liquid that followed was indescribably rancid. Garlic was definitely the prime fear of vampires. After what seemed like forever, my bowels were empty, and I wiped. I used the last of the toilet paper. Another tragedy neatly avoided. "I'll go out and act cool, and he'll be impressed, then I can patch things up with Bella." I thought to myself.

But things were not to be so easy. Another rush came, chunky and disgusting. And without any paper left. This was a problem. I searched the room for more paper. Standing and looking, remnants were flowing down my legs. Something needed to be done against that. I sat in the sink and ran the water to get rid of what I could. While not wearing boxers or an undershirt had seemed like a sexy idea two hours ago, it now seemed a horrible mistake. There was nothing in the room I could use, not even curtains, to get this crap off. The water simply wasn't cutting it.

There they were, my salvation. Toothbrushes. I didn't want to use Bella's but it was easy to tell them apart: One was blue and one pink. I grabbed the blue one and brushed away, getting everything off me. Standing up, I gave the sink a good brush down, too. Then I looked at the handle. "Bella." Oh well, I tried. The tooth-brush was certainly worse for the wear, and stained slightly to boot, but hopefully no-one would ever notice. This whole movie was shot through a filter, anyway, slight discolorations were hard to see.

I put the brush back and went to flush. No go. The wads of toilet paper stuck in the drain. No plunger. The water kept flowing. Before I knew it it was onto the floor. The stench was horrendous. It was pooling around my shoes. I knew what to do: I ran.

I jumped out the window and leapt into Bella's room. "Bella, we need to go. Now." I said in my most serious voice, "Vampires are coming. Trackers. They know about us and are out to get you. We need to leave. Immediately." She nodded. I could hear her dad shaking the locked bathroom door downstairs and knew time was running out. I picked her up and leapt out the window. In moments I had her in my car and we were on the run. It had been a good night.


End file.
